Miscarried on September 15, 2009
Due to Arrive on April 29, 2010
7 weeks gestation
I was 21 years old when I was diagnosed with cervical cancer in parts of my cervix, but mostly the front and left margin of the cervix. I had HPV as well and underwent many surgeries to get rid of the HPV and had two LEEPs done to remove the cancer. The HPV was highly irritating to boot. This process started in 2009 and went through all of 2010. I was told that after these surgeries, I would still be able to get pregnant, but the baby would most likely not survive as my cervix would be weakened and I would miscarry or delivery prematurely so a cerclage would absolutely be necessary. The dream of more children seemed to have vanished without my approval. It was at the end of August 2009, I went in for a LEEP. I took a pregnancy test before surgery as they make all women do before surgeries and it was negative. We proceeded with the surgery. For the following weeks, I was bleeding mildly with cramps and had to use zinc cream on my burns from the HPV removal and was also taking vicodin and anti-biotics. On September 15, I was at work and had been filling sick for two days. Nauseous, crampy, lower back pain, my hips hurt, and the bleeding kind of got worse. I ended up rushing to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to pee my pants or something. I went to the bathroom and after much pain, a blood clot came out when I had wiped. It seemed so large to me. I was freaked because I had just had surgery a few weeks prior. I thought it was a complication from the surgery because I should have been healing at that point. I put the clot in a Ziploc bag and called my doctor immediately and drove myself to his office. I was crying the whole way there. I was really scared. My co-workers had heard me screaming in pain in the bathroom and crying, and two of my female co-workers were outside the bathroom. They thought something was very wrong as so did I. Needless to say, after meeting with the doctor, he told me the blood clot was not a blood clot. It was a sac containing a tiny little fetus and it looked to be about 7 weeks give or take a day or two. He apologized over and over again. I sat there in shock. I was relieved I was not having complications of the surgery, but I was so shocked I had been pregnant. We wanted more children and we were trying to rid of the cancer. I was only about 3 weeks when I took the pregnancy test before surgery and it came up negative. Had I known, I would not have chosen the surgery. I would have opted to push back all treatment to have this baby. A friend recently let me know that had I chose this, my baby might be here, but I wouldn't be. It was so hard. I asked him when the baby would have been due because I was curious over this beautiful gift I had just lost and he said around April 29, 2010. I cried for a week over this loss. Non-stop. I felt so betrayed, so mocked, so violated. If not for that surgery, my baby would still be in my womb. I never sought out an outlet for my grief of this loss because I had more things to worry about at the time, college, my 18 month old son I did have, work, the cancer. And none of my friends had ever experienced loss. This baby went unnamed until October 2012 and I want to thank all the baby loss and child loss moms I have met that encouraged me to name him. My husband and I decided that this baby would have been a boy considering he has 5 boys, and we wanted something biblical, so we chose Jonah which means peace and dove and then Randee as his middle name because I wanted honor my husband and his first and middle names are Randy Dee. We both miss this baby and we wish we would have known that he was inside of me. Things would be so damn different. I would have not had the surgery. My baby would be here. I might not be. But I would trade my life for the life of any of my children.
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