Honestly, writing all this, makes me cry REALLY hard. It makes me cringe, become sick to my stomach, so much happiness. All lost. You never in a million years think that when your pregnancy test turns positive, you may have to give it all up. You never think that baby you wanted so badly is going to be taken away from you like a thief in the night.
On July 4, 2011, I felt so sick when I woke up that morning. I didn't think much of it. Went about my day as normal feeling nauseated. My parents had a 4th of July BBQ at their house later that day, Randy (my husband) went, but only stayed for a little while. His schedule on the weekdays never allows us to do anything late, it drives me nuts. The day was pretty awesome, had some beer, watched the fireworks, ate some great food, had good conversations. After the fireworks, Braedy (my son) & I returned home because I had to work the next day. I put Braedy to bed and felt really sick still, I started wondering if I was in fact pregnant. I just didn't feel right, but my period was not expected until Friday the 8th. So I figured if I took a 5 day sooner test, I may get the answer. I usually always have extra tests for the simple fact, you never ever know when you are going to need one.
I peed on it, set it on the counter and sat on the edge of the bath tub. I honestly wasn't excited, I kind of just expected it to be negative because let's face it, with my medical issues, I hadn't even had a pregnancy scare in the last 1 1/2 years of not using birth control. I just assumed it would never happen. After about 2 minutes, I stood up, took a breath and looked, it was negative. I had that feeling that I think all women feel when taking a pregnancy test that comes out negative, both relieved and sad at the same time. When in reality, we are just really sad, but don't want to admit it.
I went about my work week as usual, but the nausea never ever gave up. I still felt so incredibly sick and just not myself and I was like I HAVE to be pregnant, I mean this is just weird. I don't feel like I am going to start my period, I just feel bloated, nauseated, and icky. So the night before, I went to Walmart and bought a two pack of pregnancy tests, a different brand than the one I had taken Monday. I decided to go to sleep and wake up in the morning, and try again then. It would be 1 day before my missed period and hopefully closer to being accurate with the use of morning urine.
I woke up, and BEFORE I got in the shower, I took the test, I was still trying to wake up, I was doing the one eye closed running around the bathroom trying to get the shower started and get my towel and stuff. I forgot I had done the test until I was going to get in, and then I swung around to look and picked it up. There was a faint blue line and I thought, oh my God, am I? Is it true? No it can't be true. It's all messed up. If I were, it would be a brighter blue. But then again, I am not officially late yet. I mean a million things wafted through my head as I stepped in the shower. I was a mess that morning, nervous and excited at the same time. I don't remember doing it, but I did my morning routine and went to work.
Before I even clocked in, I went into my friend Stephanie's office. I shut the door, and she looked at me like I was crazy. I dug the test out of my purse and put it on her desk. I simply said, "What do you see?" She looks, and goes "Oh my gosh Ashley!!! You are pregnant!!! I see the line!!! It wouldn't be there if you weren't!!!" She jumped up, and hugged me and I had tears in my eyes because I wanted this so badly. I was so relieved and happy that after wanting another baby for the past year, that I was actually PREGNANT.
Of course, my insecurities set in. I decided to use my lunch break and go to the Dollar Tree and get some more tests (5 of them). The line was faint and it bothered me. I couldn't accept the true reality that I was pregnant. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I mean with Braedy, the doctor told me at a check up, so this was nothing like that. When I returned from lunch, I took two of the dollar tree tests and they were negative. I started crying and freaking out. I was pacing the bathroom and was indeed confused. I told Stephanie what was going on and while we were sitting in her office talking she started reading the box. You cannot use a Dollar Tree pregnancy test until you are 5 days late, and my period was not even late yet. She ran across the river to the nearest super market and bought me another 5 day test. I took it from her nearly as fast as she got back to the office. That one was positive. I felt a lot better. I had two positives. It had to be true.I called Randy and told him I was going to send a picture to his phone, I was trying to surprise him. But he asked what is it? Well of course, the conversation swayed towards me just telling him that I was pregnant. I don't exactly remember his words, but I know he was shocked. Surprised, happy, grateful but concerned. Concerned for my health. Then he was upset, bad timing he said. He really wanted to wait until Sean (my stepson) left the house because we own a 3 bedroom house and the rooms are small so the baby would have to be cramped in half with us and half with Braedy. I don't know, looking back on the conversation I had with him, it doesn't make me happy nor sad. We all want our boyfriends, fiancés husbands to be happy that they are going to be fathers, but they never seem to react the way we want. With Braedy we found out in the doctor's office, and I was alone when the nurse came in waving my pregnancy test, she went and got Randy from the waiting room and when he found out, the room felt like it was standing still and spinning at the same time. We got in a huge fight when we got home. Our birth control failed and we blamed it on each other, but we have Braedy and we love him more than life itself. He was a huge blessing. Same thing when I told him about Miloh, spinning and standing at the same time.
I went home that night, just so happy...I was pregnant. The drive home, was beautiful. I wanted another baby for so long, and with everything I had been through with the cervical cancer, I just was ecstatic.
The next morning on July 8, I woke up and headed to work. I decided to make an appointment with the Mirasol clinic off of 11th street. If you don't know me, then you are learning how impatient I am and definitely when it came to be being pregnant, I was so eager to find out the truth and MAKE SURE I was pregnant. I made the appointment to go in at 12:30 p.m. I went. But it was ridiculous. It took forever for me to be seen and then when I did, they said because my period was actually due that day, I was not late yet. They can't test for pregnancy until the woman is officially two weeks late. Ohhhh it made me so mad. I just wanted reassurance. I ended up going to Walmart and buying the clear blue digital tests because well, if they say pregnant, how can it be wrong? I went in and bought a 2 pack. I peed on one in the bathroom and it turned pregnant within about 30 seconds. I just smiled. Finally I knew, I have got to stop obsessing because it is true. When you have not been pregnant for years, it just doesn't seem true!When I went back to work, I decided to call and make my first OB appointment since I was told if I ever was pregnant again after the cancer, the baby would most likely not make it past the first trimester.
July 8, 2011 was a Friday. That was the day I called for a doctor appointment. I knew immediately with my history of cervical cancer, previous miscarriage, and weight I needed to get in right away. I refused to go to Good Shepherd Medical Center, our hospital right here in Hermiston, Oregon. I wanted the best care possible, and I had not seen the OB/GYN since he diagnosed me with cervical cancer. After diagnosed, I went to Walla Walla Women's Clinic which is about 50 minutes from where I live, but my doctor there was strictly GYN. And the reason I transferred there is because my OB/GYN knew the HPV started when I was pregnant with Braedy and he played it off for 2 years before finally diagnosing it so I no longer trusted him. I still don't recommend him. So I decided to contact Associated Physicians for Woman Clinic in Richland which is 45 minutes away but I heard wonderful things and I wanted to try a VBAC. For those unaware, a VBAC is a vaginal birth after caesarean. I wanted to try it and where I live, you cannot try a VBAC at our local hospital, but you can at the two over the border in Washington. So I called and told them the information I had as far as how late I was, and how many tests I had taken, and my symptoms.
My appointment was scheduled at APW on July 13, 2011. I promised Randy to keep it a secret until I was seen. With the cervical cancer, I was told pregnancy was still a possibility, but the completion of a pregnancy was highly unlikely so we agreed to not say anything until my tests all came back good and no worries of first trimester loss.
I had been waiting for another baby for so long. I was so excited the day before my appointment and the day of. I couldn't wait to get off work. Randy was meeting me out at my work to pick me up since I had never been to Richland before and the drive was new to both of us. And being my first appointment, he wanted to be there. It was a happy day, an exciting day, a confirmation of my pregnancy day.
So the day of my first doctor appointment arrived. July 13, 2011 was my first doctor appointment. I was 4 weeks 5 days pregnant. Randy came to pick me up at work and we went together. We had never been to this clinic before.
It seemed like such a long drive. Only 45 minutes, but when you are driving to get somewhere for something important, it seems like a lifetime! We didn't speak very much, we were both nervous. I was so afraid I was going to be high risk and that I would end up losing the baby in the first term like they had said I might. Nothing was making me feel better during the drive although I thought of everything in my head to try to cheer me up and I found nothing but a stomach full of butterflies.We arrived to the clinic and we went up to the second floor and I did all my paperwork as a new patient and then we waited to be seen. Since I was before 20 weeks, I had to see a nurse practitioner instead of an OB/GYN. OB/GYNs were assigned to patients once they hit 20 weeks. It was their process. I was called in by the nurse and weighed and they took my blood pressure. And then the joyous oh so fun task of urinating to a little plastic cup. I had done this several times before, not just for a baby, but for infections too. I still hate doing it. Anything coming out of your body should not be "messed with".
Randy was already waiting for me in one of the rooms, I went in and sat down with him and we marvelled at the cervix chart, you know, the one with the huge awful rings that let you know your cervix is the size of a damn watermelon? Yeah. I had not yet experienced a vaginal delivery at the point in time of this story and even today as I tell this story, I hate that chart. Why can't men do that part for us? The ripping and tearing should really be left to them. Ahhh! Braedy was a c-section baby so I never had to endure that, and I hope I never do. I am a sissy-la-la. And proud of it!
So about after 20 minutes, the nurse practitioner, April was her name, came in and met with us and said I was definitely pregnant. I kinda punched Randy on the arm and said I told you!! April went over the basics with us and my history saying I needed to get my records faxed to them so they could look at my surgical history and my pap smear information. But at that point she told me my due date was March 17, 2012 based off my last period and she sent me down to get a blood draw for my HCG levels. And she said I could pick a doctor when I checked out up front because I was high risk at the time she met with us based off of my history which is why they needed my records ASAP to evaluate the situation more clearly.
She also congratulated us once more before we left and as we were leaving Randy turned around and said, are you sure she is pregnant? April laughed and said yes. To Randy this was BEYOND a surprise and to me too because we had discussed a few months before this that we did in fact want one more, the fact that it would happen so quickly, was a surprise and mind you we were told about this baby news 2 months before our wedding day.
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