If You Must Ask

Some people wonder and even ask why it took losing Miloh for me to talk about and honor Nathaniel.  Not that this is inappropriate to ask, but it is simply no one's business.  It really isn't.  We all deal with grief differently for one thing.  How we think, feel, act, speak, it is all us.  Everyone is different.  If we were all the same, this world would be so boring.  I for one am not a follower.  I am not a copy cat, I am not one of the herd.  I am me.  My own person.  I do things how I feel I should do them.  My inner workings can only be understood by our heavenly father.  However, if people feel they need to ask this question, then here is the answer.
I lost Nathaniel when I was 16.  SIXTEEN YEARS OLD.  The age speaks for itself.  I was young, naive, selfish, ignorant, and scared.  When I had sex for the first time, who knew I would get pregnant.  Some of my girlfriends watch Teen Mom or 16 & Pregnant.  They wonder why I don't.  Well, no child should be having sex.  I know what it can lead to.  I also know you can attempt to prevent it, but it doesn't always work.  Babies shouldn't be having babies. I am ashamed of getting pregnant so young, but I am not ashamed of my son.  As a pregnant kid, let me tell you, when you have parents who are less than supportive, have hit you more times than you can count, and overall super strict, you are scared out of your mind to tell them you are pregnant.  I knew my mother would make me have an abortion.  When she found my birth control pills, she called me on my softball trip and threatened me.  So at that point, I could only imagine how our conversation would go about pregnancy and I decided to not tell my parents until I couldn't hide it any more.
When I lost Nathaniel, I was scared for my own life, having been in an accident.  I wasn't even thinking about him.  I felt like I was dying at the time and worried I would never see daylight again.  When they told me he died, I basically said I don't care, do whatever you have to.  I awoke with an empty uterus.  An experience I quickly wanted to forget.  The next day I realize he was gone and he wasn't coming back.  I felt sad, and I cried silently for a while, but then I realized, what a relief.  He is gone, I won't get grounded.  Better he gets taken from me this way than to have my parents take him away from me.  As a child, the loss of my baby was a relief.  I was not happy, but I was not devastated.  I know how I was then.  I know how I have been over time.
While things went back to normal for me really quickly after losing him, many things have never left my mind.  He is my first son, my first baby, I have never denied him, and I do love him. It has been 8 years later, and I do not mourn him, I celebrate him.  And yes, it took having Miloh for me to publicly speak of Nathaniel.  Why?  Because life is precious and I know how much I miss Miloh and how angry I am that he died, and I am so guilty of not previously feeling this way with Nathaniel.  I know so much I didn't know then.  And this is why I do not approve of teenage sex or Planned Parenthood facilities.  Kids are going to do what they are going to do.  Where there is a will, there is a way and with that said, I sure found a way to get treatment without telling my parents.  I cannot say things would be different necessarily, but it would have forced me to seek out the counsel of my parents instead of knowing I had a way around them.
I now live life remembering all three of my babies, talking about them equally as possible, but Miloh will always hurt the worst.  Knowing how I wanted a baby after Braedy for so long.  Seeing what anencephaly is first hand.  Having to birth a baby and never getting to take them home.  Going to a funeral home to pick up your son.  My heart has been cut out and it is going to take the rest of my life for my heart to heal.  Up until the last moment I cross into Heaven it will ache and cry.  That is the price of love.