To My Little Miloh

I wrote this letter a year ago. I wanted to repost. So much can happen within just 12 months. 365 days. You wouldn't think so, but it does. <3

Dear Miloh,
I have been a very bad angel mom to you lately. I really have. I feel so awful. Life has been tough on me lately and it has strayed me away from you. I used to pray to God everyday for him to tell you things for me. I used to sleep with your hospital blanket every night, I have not done that in over a month. Your blanket fell behind our bed. I know it's there, but what I do not know is why I cannot get it from behind the bed. What is wrong with me? What kind of mother does that? I have not held your urn in about 2 months. I used to talk to you often, and I have not lately. I can't help but wonder if you were taken from me because you were too good for me. Why have I quit doing the things I was doing? I have stopped my medication again, I have not gone to therapy in about a month. I almost feel that I don't want to deal with this anymore and that is horrible because it's saying I don't want to deal with you anymore. And like I said, what kind of mother does that to her angel baby? I miss you so much and I feel so awful for the way I have been acting. I can't explain why I am doing it. I have decided to create a special Facebook page for you. Probably will work on it tomorrow, but I need a place I can go, that I can write down my prayers, that I can write letters to you, that I can share poems & pictures with others, that way I can always keep your memory alive. I love you more than anything and to this day, my heart is broken. It has been broken since the moment your father took you out of my arms and handed you to the funeral director. I don't think it will ever be repaired. How can it? I don't have you, you are missing from my life. But I am blessed for the time we got together, but I would so much rather still have you in my tummy growing and healthy waiting to be born in March. I am so jealous of everyone and their babies, and their pregnancies. What did I ever do to deserve this? I am really tired of trying to act tough & strong for my girlfriends and their growing families, truth is, I envy them, I am jealous of them, and I hate being jealous of people. It's not right to want what everyone else has, I should be grateful for what I have. I am actually grateful for everything I have, but I still want you. Sometimes I dream that this is a dream, well a nightmare, that when I open my eyes and look down, I will have a big belly with a baby kicking in there, that I will be decorating your room, preparing the house for a new baby. But it's not a dream that I can ever wake up from, it's a nightmare that I am stuck in for the rest of my life. I just want you to know that I love you more than anything. My heart is divided into thirds, a piece for your brother, a piece for your dad, and a piece for you, but I feel that piece for you, broke into a million pieces, I have some pieces left I can put together but you took a piece of my heart and I am more than okay with that. I just wanted to write to you and vent a little, and apologize for not being a good mother to you, and a promise to do better. I miss you over and over again. Tears are flowing right now and I hope with every drop you can feel that love and that remorse. ~Love you Miloh Brenner~ Always & forever